You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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