When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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