god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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