I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
