Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Randomize
