DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I party with great urgency now.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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