The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
