Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
