Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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