My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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