In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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