Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Holy shit dude........stairs
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
