He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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