my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
