all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
