Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
