Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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