You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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