Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
