I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
