Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
