Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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