just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Randomize
