Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
