What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Randomize
