1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Randomize
