just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
