when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
