The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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