I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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