I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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