My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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