Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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