is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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