The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
