If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
