Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
