I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
