I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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