there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
