Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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