Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
