theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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