If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
