I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
