I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
