I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
