I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
