I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
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