Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
