my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
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