Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
