We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
