i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
