Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
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