did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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