Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
