so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
