Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
